Yeah. i'm kind of in that right now.
It's the kind of thing where an honest life appraisal will ultimately lead to that thought of, 'Well, nothing's really wrong.' which leads to 'So what's with this feeling like shit all the time?' and therein lies the mystery. And you don't have much too feel down about, which then leads to this added guilt and sense of down-and-outness for being sad over nothing and staying sad over even less. So yeah. Fuck this.
The lurking suspicion that this is seeming far too similar to an 8th grade Livejournal entry is probably rearing its pouting head in your mind right now, so here's the beacon of hope: this is leading up to something. Something beautiful, not of my creation.
About two weeks ago, maybe a little before, i got the newest LP from Swedish folk god The Tallest Man On Earth, called 'The Wild Hunt' after its first track. i eeped aloud when i saw it online, eeped again when it was downloaded, and eeped a final time when i popped in the headphones on my walk to class later that morning. It was one of the first nice days in a while, almost T-Shirt weather - almost - and the sun warranted sunglasses and gloveless hands, and i smiled big. Big. Like, real big. So i'm halfway to class, halfway through the second track on this LP, and i start tearing up. Granted, i had slept very little, but still, that's a fuckin' big deal. Public tearyness. And this wasn't your 8th grade 'too much Dashboard Confessional and not enough pretty girl hand holding' tearyness, this was pure, organic, 'man shit's pretty beautiful right now' tearyness. The best kind.
'Cause look, there's a million things in the world that can cause those woe-woe-woe tears. Death, Break-ups, family drama, etc. (all of which occurred over the course of the last two weeks in quite rapid succession). But it takes some honest effort, someone with their finger on the pulse of what's really going on in this charade of the living, to know how to get those sunny day tears out. And Kristian Mattsson (ie- The Tallest Man...), you've found the pulse.
So these next two weeks get that sweet sweet tumultuous drama going on, all this 'holy shit what happened' drama, which culminated in me watching my sister's pet kitten die in my and my mom's arms this past Tuesday (mind you, i hate cats, but i loved this fucking thing). And this whole time, my mind is reeling, down and out and mesmerized at how sane i still was. The whole thing just turned into a movie, that's the easiest way to put it, very cinematic and poetic, and behind it all was the soundtrack of this album. i'll spare you (once again, if you exist) the details, but suffice to say, this current state of sad has backing. Or it did. But still, that sense of guilt is there, that idea that it's not as bad as i feel it is, and that gut melting feeling that i shouldn't feel this bad. So fuck. That's me. That's where i'm at.
But this album, this Wild Hunt, it's been played in its entirety on my computer/i-pod/stereo at least once everyday since the morning i got it, and every time, there's a new little realization of how truly wonderful it is. Currently, i'm feeling like track 4, "You're Going Back", and i've been this track for the last few days. Before that i was totally and completely track 10, "Kids On The Run". And every now and then i find myself in a reprieve, a brief moment of fleeting content, and those are the "Burden Of Tomorrow" and "Love Is All" times. And man oh man oh man, those times are fucking sweet.
So grab this, listen, love, and hope that someday we'll all be able to see things a little more like this screechy scratchy Swede...
The Wild Hunt - March 2010 Original Soundtrack...
(That's him on stage)
(That's me in the hat)
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